Lillian Rose Loomis Armga, #2

The penciled date on the back of this photo is 1930s.

Grandma Armga was scary to me but she was also unknown. Even though I grew up in the same small town where she lived I did not know her and learned to fear any encounter that I might have with her.
When I was a young child she had a 'falling out' with mom and dad. I'm not totally sure what caused the break down in relationships. I do know that she disliked mother immensely. I remember mother saying that Lillian had told our dad that he had to choose between his wife or his mother. This would have been when he also had at least 5 children. He obviously chose his wife and children.
This 'falling out' was not unique to our parents. Lillian was the mother to 3 children. She disowned two of them, dad and Aunt Jean (dad's only sister). She was the grandmother to 13 grandchildren. She disowned all but two grandchildren, Sandra Carr (Aunt Jean's oldest child) and Vicki Armga (Uncle Bill -- dad's only brother).
Lillian also disowned her siblings and had difficult relationships with her husband's family. Her niece in Wisconsin, Agnes (known to us as Blondie, daughter of Agnes, Lillian's sister and John, William Carl's brother, so she was dad's double cousin), could only share with me that no one really knew why Lillian was so angry with her family but she basically was impossible to please and didn't hesitate to let everyone know how disgusted she was with her family. This problem had existed from the time Bill (name our grandfather William Carl was called by family and friends) and Lillian were newlyweds living with relatives in the 1920s.
The details of the end of Lillian's relationship with Aunt Jean will need to be another post. But it illustrates the anger that characterized Lillian's familial relationships and her determination to stop at nothing to get what she wanted.
I mentioned in a previous post that I was able to gather information about Lillian's life because she had agreed to let me interview her. I had wanted so much to know her and to have a relationship with her. But I was also very frightened because her history with family members. In the end, our cousin Sandra arranged the visit. 'Grammy', as Sandra called her, agreed to see us together at her home -- a small apartment in a government subsidized housing area in Twin Falls. Sandra went as the mediator and peacemaker, and in the end I was so grateful that she was there.
What I remember is that the apartment was dark and full of furniture -- but it was small. We did the interview in the kitchen and I used a tape recorder. I had a written list of questions and used them to keep me on course. My stay lasted only about an hour. While I did get through a good number of questions I could have asked many more.
Lillian seemed quite pleased with the opportunity to tell me about her accomplishments. Two things I remember being noteworthy; first, how impassioned she was about not knowing the Roman Numeral system because she had missed that part of her schooling and second, how she would emphasize that people were 'very good to her/them' when talking about someone she liked. The Roman Numeral thing seemed to offer a glimpse of an experience (or perhaps several) in her life where she had been embarrassed because she didn't know how to read Roman Numerals. So ironic I think, because how hard is it to learn the system? It isn't! And even with remembering the X, V and I, I always have to kind-0f intuit from their placement in the number at the values of the M, C and D.
After about an hour Lillian started to become agitated and became very confrontational about my 'horrible' mother. I don't think this was in relation to any questions I was asking, but rather the ongoing awareness of who I was and that I was in her home. When she started getting angry Sandra quickly let me know it was time to go and we headed out to the car. As I left Lillian made some passing reference to not knowing all her grandchildren. It was overwhelming to me to think how tragic that this woman had denied herself of being a part of the lives of her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
I remember that when Grandpa Armga died, someone in the family -- one of his sibs from Wisconsin I believe -- had expressed disappointment that he died before Lillian. The family had always hoped that warm relationships with Bill could have been re-established if Lillian had proceeded Bill in death.
Dad in particular was very nervous about encountering Grandma Armga in a public place. If he saw her shopping downtown, he would cross the street to avoid letting her see him.
Michael tells of the harrowing experience of being called up to the front to carry out bags of groceries when he worked at the Safeway in Lynwood and upon arriving at the check-stand discovering that the bags belonged to Grandma Armga. I think she recognized him before he recognized her and she 'threw a fit' and refused to let him help her. Everyone involved in that incident was confused and taken aback about what was happening that this young man who said and did nothing could cause this old woman to shout and carry on.
I interacted with many people in Twin Falls who knew Lillian and considered her to be a wonderful woman and outstanding friend. When they would comment to me about her being my grandmother I usually remained silent about the fact that I didn't know her, but sometimes I had to admit that not only did I not know her but she refused to have anything to do with our family. People were always amazed. Some of her friends were Mormons and felt that Lillian and Bill had adopted them as a family. They spent many evenings together playing games and loved their time together. That has always stumped me. She couldn't have hated us just based on our religion. The only conclusion I could draw when contemplating this dilemma was that with family Lillian had firm and high expectations that were rarely or never met. With friends she had no such expectations so they didn't frustrate or anger her so easily or so much.
When I was working in Nampa I needed help on one occasion to get back to my apartment after a visit to Twin Falls. Uncle Bill and Aunt Velma lived in Boise and Dad had arranged for Uncle Bill to drive my car and for me to ride with Aunt Velma in their car. It was a sweet experience to spend time with Aunt Velma. She is a lovely person. She very carefully shared with me that it was a very very difficult experience being the only family that Lillian accepted. The responsibility and obligation that Bill and Velma felt toward Lillian, and her expectations and temperament, had a serious impact on the quality of their life. So, that candor helped me realize that the situation could have been worse than just not knowing my Armga grandparents.